The following posts are real.
They were made on my facebook page between December 6th and 7th 2013, over a 26 hour period.
Included are also some sms messages sent to my friends in Canada during the facebook postings. Other than some spelling corrections, addition of flowery dialogue and the odd deletion of incriminating first person statements…..punctuation correction, foul language removal, ummm…there has also been minor adjustment and embellishment to the original sms now that my head is clear….This is how it played out. These posts and messages recount my first experience with serious train travel and a genuine train cabin succubus!
I’m from Canada….eh….we don’t utilize train travel like Europe and Asia. All I had on my resume were a few brief encounters from London to Liverpool and Manchester to Glasgow. Nothing could have prepared me for this 27 hour juggernaut through North India. I literally had NO idea what I was in for…..and this, a veritable showdown between the forces of good and evil, was to set the stage for all future travel adventures. If I had known, I may just have well leapt from the train shortly after departure from Delhi….
Please, unless you have spent 27 hours on a train, in a small cabin, with a toddler….don’t judge me…..
December 6th – 10:00 am
Well! Isn’t my lil chipmunk (Mrs. R, my wife) full of surprises! Off we go on our safari to Guwahati, and I discover we are traveling by train! Hummm, new experience….ok, not so bad. It’s a 24 hour trip, alright…..I’ll make the best of it. OH! We are In a shared cabin, this will be fun….AHHHH!!! With a young couple that do not speak English! I see……and lookie look……..their two year old son……. Oh………. goodie
December 6th – 4:45pm
Hey!?! Who said long distance train travel is no fun??? Huh??? Just look at the knee slapping, bust a gut, oh my god I can’t take much more, giggle-fest Mrs. R is having!!!! It’s like some non stopping, laugh riot…….thing, we are doing….here on the train….the train-o-fun extravaganza…..yep, and only 19 hours left. Maybe I will take up slobbering and making motor boat noises while blowing spit bubbles, just like our precious lil cabin companion.
December 6th – 7:16 pm
Guess what !?!?! Our young squire doesn’t like his dinner! Well, lets be honest, most kids DON’T like…..I’m not even sure what it is to be honest. Railway food seriously resembles airline food but without the refinements. You tell ‘em lil man….you tell the WORLD! But maybe try using your big boy words instead of pouting and spitting it out? Gonna try and read……
December 6th – 9:30ish pm
Light goes on, light goes off, light goes on, light goes off, light goes on…..that’s right you clever lil boy, it’s your finger doing that on the switch!!!! Like magic!!! Aren’t you such a big boy!! NO, no, please mum and dad, don’t SAY anything; don’t actually CONTROL your child’s behavior!! Why if you did that, how would I enjoy this single florescent light bulb psychedelic light show your brilliant lil man is putting on for us? After all, I so enjoy my retinas being bombarded with stabbing flashes OF MOCK STROBE!!! YA, IT’S LIKE BEING AT A F&=•%£ING METALLICA CONCERT!!!!PLEASE ENCOURAGE HIM TO CONTINUE ALL F$^«ING NIGHT!!!!
December 6th – 11:00 pm
Say, you know what’s fun? Screaming! Yes sir, random nonsensical screaming! Try it. Just fill up those two year old lungs, and expel it all in one go as loudly as possible! Sure, KHAHBHICAL sounds like gibberish now; but some day that’s gonna be a real Hindi word! Mum and dad must be so proud, as am I, a witness to your first experimentation with multi-syllable words…Ah Hindi, derived from the mother of all tongues, Ancient Sanskrit, and how lucky am I….to be here….now, in this 6 X 8 metal box hearing you practice, at a little under the same decibel level at Arrowhead Stadium, when THE CHIEFS ARE PLAYING THE F*#&ING DENVER F*#&ING BRONCOS…WHAT A MAGICAL MOMENT FOR ME AND HIS MUM AND DAD AND MRS. R AND THIS BUDDING F#”?#:$ING LINGUIST!
December 7th – between 3:00 and 4:00 am
It’s dark, I haven’t slept. Went for a stroll, the night porter told me we are in the Bangladesh/ Nepal Corridor. There is the odd whimper coming from the bunk across from me, other than that….I think the succubus is passed out. I am clutching my pillow far too tightly…thinking bad, bad thoughts…
December 7th – 5:58 am
Shhhhhh, it’s 6:00 am, everyone else in the cabin (including the demon light man linguist) is asleep. We have been sitting at this station for about an hour now. Sun is starting to come up, I have noooo idea where we are, somewhere near Darjeeling I think. We are in the North East, about 100 km from the China border. All joking aside, this is one unique experience, it may cost me my sanity, but still!…please God, let the spawn of Satan sleep…at least till Guwahati…..
December 7th – 6:45 am
HE’S AWAKE!! On the morning addenda….running up and down the corridor until we inevitably crash into the porters trolley…then we can CRY!!!!! ( I LOVE the aromatic scent wafting up from your track pants every time you complete a lap around me….. SAY MUM!!!!…YOUR SWEET ANGEL NEEDS ATTENTION IN THE ASS AREA!) Why YOU crying????? You spilled MY coffee!!!! Oh, that’s right, you lost control, bounced off the food service cart and are now sitting in a pile of your own feces! I know it’s wrong to laugh……
December 7th – 9:30 am
FINALLY in the state of Assam!! God please….get me out of this moving coffin. The evil one is just sitting there starring at me, chewing on his plastic car…..eyeballing me…..
December 7th – 12:30 pm
Still rollin’ 26 hours later, should be pulling into Guwahati in a couple of hours. An eerie calm has descended over our merry little group of travelers. An eclectic group we are: 1. The stranger in a strange land, 2. The beloved confidant of said stranger, 3. Mr. Sit Cross Legged and Stare out the window like a statue for 10 hours straight, 4. The Statue’s charming wife, Mrs. Excuse me while I indulge in a xanex induced nap while my child runs rampant, and of course 5. The slobbering young linguist, the budding yodeler, the traveling food critic, our resident Olympic athlete cum rock show light man. Yes, almost too quiet……eerie indeed…..
December 7th – 2:00 pm
OKAY! We have arrived in Guwahati. Met Mrs. R’s sister and brother and associated families! A wonderful reception and warm feelings all around! No sign of the devil child on the platform…was it all a pigment of my fignation!?!? We will take off tomorrow by car (another three hours) to Kaziranga!